<dcljr@stat.tamu.edu>.
Html conversion by Eric Last.
After about six weeks, Chroma Zone was replaced by Clarissa Explains
It All (which it had displaced to 6 p.m.). Was it cancelled, or is
that just my wishful thinking?
Here's what was said during the first appearance:
[Fanfare and cheering]
Simon: Yes, here we are. We've got Melissa from Clarissa Explains It All, and that's quite a difficult thing to say. Welcome to the show!
Melissa: Thank you!
[Cheering]
Sally-Anne: Now, before the break, we set a teaser, and the question was: "What do girls always want down and boys always leave up?" And the answer was...Vicky?
Vicky: The toilet seat.
[Sound of a flushing toilet]
Simon: Ooh! But now, let's have a little look, er, at what...Melissa actually does in...Clarissa Explains It All! I'm stupid....
[Dissolve to CEIA 113: Sick Days. Caption: "clarissa explains it all" (no quotes). Clarissa is in bed.]
Clarissa: It's not that I've got anything against education, but here are some ways I've avoided school in the past:
[A dentist's office]
Clarissa (V/O): Dentist appointments have been good for getting out of school, but the problem with a dentist appointment is that you usually have to go to the dentist.
[A campsite]
Clarissa (V/O): Extended family vacations can also be good for getting out of school, but they can have their downsides, too. Why do those extra vacation days always have to turn into a nightmare?
[Back to Clarissa in bed]
Clarissa: And then there's the time-honoured traditional way of avoiding school: Get sick. Gee, that's funny...I feel a cold coming on!
[Dissolve to Chroma Zone studio]
All: Ooh!
Simon (in a strange warbling voice): I don't feel well! I can't go to school, Mum!
Simon (normally [for him, that is]): That's what we do in England.
Melissa: That was three years ago.
Simon: Was it three years ago?
Simon: You were a little tiny baby, weren't you, then?
Melissa: My voice, yes!
All: Aaahhhhhhh!
Simon: So, do you like England?
Melissa: Yes, I do. I like it a lot.
Simon: Yeah...and you've been down...you've been shopping, haven't you?
Melissa: I've been shopping. We did a "Win a Date with Clarissa!" competition, and, um, we went shopping all day yesterday.
Simon: And you've got 350 pairs of shoes, haven't you? How many have you got?
Melissa: Close.... No, I don't know. I've never really counted, but quite a bit.
Simon (pointing at Melissa's DMs): Dr. Martens. A Dr. Martens person.
Melissa: I've got tons of Dr. Martens.
Simon: Excellent.
Sally-Anne: Have you got any questions for her?
Matt: Yeah, we have.
Simon: Yeah, he has! He's got a question, haven't you?
Voice from offstage: We haven't got time for their questions yet.
Sally-Anne: Oh...well, I'll ask you one, then! Wha...what's happening in Clarissa ? What can you tell us?
Melissa: In Clarissa ? Um, well...
Sally-Anne: Coming up soon?
Melissa: Yeah. Coming up soon will be Clarissa goes out with her best friend, Sam...
Sally-Anne: Sam?
Melissa: ...on the show, and they have their first kiss, which is...
[Sally-Anne squeals]
Melissa: ...a little pathetic, but, um....
[...]
Sally-Anne: ...do you want to ask Melissa?
Vicky: Is Clarissa's character anything like you in real life?
Melissa: In some ways, yes, we're similar. You know, we're both teenagers, we're both girls, but we're different, too.
Matt: Erm, do you watch yourself on TV?
Melissa: Um, I've seen most of the episodes, but I have them on tape. I don't really watch it on Nickelodeon.
Vicky: Do you like the clothes that you wear?
Melissa: Yes, um, most of the clothes that I wear I like, but I would put them together differently. I don't wear them like Clarissa does.
Matt (sounding spontaneous): Do you...do you get to keep them?
Melissa: Yes.
Matt: You do?
Melissa: Most of them!
Sally-Anne: And, erm, do people come...do your friends come to you with their problems?
Melissa: Um, yes, sometimes, but mostly I go to my friends with problems.
Sally-Anne: Yeah?
Simon: Do you have bogeys in America?
[Melissa looks very bemused.]
Simon: You don't know what I'm talking about, do you?
Melissa: No!
Simon: What's your favourite cartoon, then?
Melissa: Ren & Stimpy.
Simon: Ren & Stimpy, which is fantastic, 'cos it's my favourite cartoon. Coming up now, The Ren & Stimpy Show!
[The Ren & Stimpy Show: Mad Dog Hoek.]
Simon: ...Anyway, we've got my friend here, our friend Melissa, who's from Clarissa Explains It All, and she's going to do a new feature, which is Favourite Things, where we ask our guests to bring in five favourite things that are in...that are indispensable---that's a big word!---five things that they couldn't de...live without if they had to stay in the Chroma Zone forever. So, Melissa, what have you got for us?
Melissa: Okay. Well, first, I've got my scrunchie (sp?)
Simon: Her scrunchie!
Melissa: My scrunchie. Um, and if you get hot, or even your hair is bothering you, you've got to put your hair up, so I can't live without this. Next is my watch. It's a security thing.
Simon: Hey, it's a safe watch!
Melissa: I just have to have it here. You know, I have to wear it.
Simon: Hang on.... (to Melissa's watch) Let me out! Let me out! (to Melissa) Who's in there? It's a jailhouse watch!
Melissa: Actually, it's the United States. Then, my lipstick is next.
Simon: Ah, well, lipstick---very important(!)
Melissa: It...well, it is! You know, we girls....
Simon: Isn't it, Matt? Isn't it? We always keep our lipstick.... Yeah.
Melissa: Well, it gives you the colour if you're feeling a little pale.
Simon: And you can write messages in it, too.
Melissa: On mirrors?
Simon: Yeah!
Melissa: Then my Walkman.
Simon: Hurray! And what sort of hot tunes do you listen to on your Walkman?
Melissa: The Flintstones?
Simon: The Flintstones...? And also, you listen to bagpipe music, don't you?
Melissa: I listen to bagpipe music, yeah.
Simon: Yeah, and what's this one, the special one?
Melissa: *This* one is my pig.
Simon: Hurray! It's the pig!
[Cheering]
Melissa: It's Priscilla.
Bogey: It's disgusting!
Melissa: This is Priscilla. I made...
Sally-Anne: Quiet, Bogey!
Melissa: It's not disgusting. (defensively) I made it in 8th grade, when I was, like, 13.
Simon: Well, Vicky, have you got a pig?
Vicky: No, I've got a clown.
Simon: A clown, yeah? Ooh, right. (grabbing Priscilla by the right ear) It looks like a tea-cosy---doesn't it?---to me.
Melissa: Be nice!
Simon: Anyway, it's time now for a bit of music. What sort of music do you like?
Melissa: The Flintstones?
Simon: It's The Flintstones, yeah. We've got The BC-52's and their latest song, which is called "The Flintstones." Meet The Flintstones!
[Cheering. Dissolve to music video: The BC-52's/(Meet) The Flintstones.
Caption: "bc52's
Simon: That was "The Flintstones." Time now for your indispensable guide
to the future! Aquarius: It's a great weekend to talk to
trees and get things off your chest.
Sally-Anne: Pisces: This is you, Vicky. You need more bounce. Why not
try skipping everywhere?
Simon: Aries: This is you, Melissa. Aries: Give all your money to Simon
Bligh!
[...]
Simon: Libra: This is Sally-Anne.
Sally-Anne: And Matt.
Simon: And Matt. Why don't you get together and have a big snog?
[...]
Sally-Anne: We've got some questions now for Melissa, who's from
Clarissa Explains It All, and they're from you, the
readers! But Matt and Vicky are going to read them out
for us, aren't you?
Vicky: Helena Watson from Stratford wants to know: "What advice would you
give to someone who has a troublesome younger brother?"
Melissa: Um, well, I guess you just...you know, you have to ignore them,
then they go away eventually.
Matt: Hit them.
Simon: And they grow up eventually.
Sally-Anne: And they grow up...
Melissa: Kill them.
Sally-Anne: ...to be Simons.
Simon: They grow up, yeah...to be nice guys.
Matt: Okay, erm, I've got a letter from Rebecca Fish from Romford.
Simon: Rebecca Fish?
Matt: Yeah.
Simon: That's a good name.
Matt: And it says, "Dear Chroma Zone, Please ask Melissa if her friends
come to her for advice when they spli...when they split up from
their boyfriends."
Melissa: Yes, they do, but I also have to go to them, because I can't
really answer my own problems, so I have to go to them, too.
Sally-Anne: Sort out other people's?
Bogey: I've...I've got a question.
Melissa: Yes?
Bogey: Melissa?
Melissa: Uh-huh?
Bogey: Do you want to go out on a date with me?
Simon: Get out of here!
Melissa: No, I don't think so!
Bogey: She's gorgeous!
Simon: I'm sorry, Melissa.
Matt: That was a tough decision, wasn't it(?)
Simon: She's not going to go out with you! Flippin' heck!
Sally-Anne: Well, thank you very much for that, Melissa. Thank you.
Simon: Actually, I think...Jenny, Jenny, you've got someone who wants
to ask a question, haven't you? Jenny, have you got someone
who's got a question for Melissa? Have you?
Bogey: I'm all upset. I'm going to cry.
Sally-Anne: Shh!
[Cut to the School of the Week. Jenny and a random girl are sitting on an
outdoor spiral staircase.]
Jenny: Yes, I have indeed. Here at Embrook (sp?) School, Alyssa (sp?) has
a question for the star guest.
Alyssa: Erm, if you could do anything else, what would you do?
[Cut back to the studio.]
Melissa (looking enthusiastic): Oh! Good question! I guess I'd be a
doctor.
Simon: Oh, yeah? Dr. Melissa!
Melissa: Dr. Hart.
Sally-Anne: Well, thank you very much, Melissa, and I hope you'll stick
around, 'cos there's lots more for you to do with us.
Simon: Yeah, you've got some sewing to do for me. Are you any good at
sewing?
Melissa (indignantly): I don't think so!
Sally-Anne: And the washing and everything else.
Simon: Can you sew? Can you sew?
Vicky: No.
Simon: Matt, Matt, I bet you can sew.
Matt: I can, yeah.
Simon: Hey-hey! Men who sew! It's men with men who can sew! Are you
any good at ironing?
Matt: Erm...no.
Sally-Anne: What's on now? It's going to be Rocko!
Simon: It's time for Rocko and "Happy Sack"!
Bogey: Go out with me!
[Dissolve to Rocko's Modern Life: Happy Sack.]
[...]
Sally-Anne: ...in which you write in to us and we try to solve your
problems with the help of the Chroma Crew, Matt and Vicky. But today,
we've
got special assistance from Melissa, who's in Clarissa Explains It All.
So, hopefully, we can sort out your problems at home.
Simon: Well, I've got a problem here. This is a problem from Melissa,
but, obviously, not you...this is from Melissa Oxford. And
she says, "Dear Problem Panel: I have got this problem about
getting off with boys. I've got one friend who says it's great
another friend who says it's not and should wait until I'm
older. I would like to get off (or to snog.... Snogging's
what you want)...I would like to snog with a boy, but I am
too scared. Whose friend's advice should I take?" (to
Melissa) Do they have snogging in America? Making out, they
call it.
Melissa: Yeah...making out, kissing.
Simon: Yeah? Well, I think really you never know when is the right time
to snog. You should wait until you feel it's ready. When
you think it's ready, go for it.
Sally-Anne: When you're ready, you'll know.
Simon (to Matt): Are you ready for it, do you think?
Matt: I've already done it, I'm afraid.
Simon: You've done it? Does your mum know?
Matt: Yeah.
Simon: Matt's had a snog!
[Cheering]
Simon: What's it like?
Sally-Anne: Well, the second letter...the second letter is from Tina in
Coventry, and she says: "Dear Problem Panel, I really want
to start wearing make-up, but my mother won't let me. I'm
13, and she says I'm too young and it will ruin my skin and
make me look like a tart. She even wears make-up herself.
How can I talk her around? Please advise." Do you wear
make-up? And you?
Melissa: I'm allowed; I just choose not to.
Sally-Anne: I like to think...I think that you can get some light
foundation and things, and you can make it look very subtle,
rather than making it look too much.
Simon: If you've got a problem, then why not write in to us at the usual
address? But remember to put "Problem Panel" on your
envelope, and then we can see and try and deal with your
problems.
Sally-Anne: What's the address?
Simon: Yeah, what's the address?
Vicky: Chroma Zone, PO Box 10, Isleworth, Middlesex, TW7 5QR.
Simon (to Bogey): Go for a wee and stop farting! Go on! Time now for the
weird and wonderful and someone with a lot of problems, I
would think, Guano!
[...]
Sally-Anne: Well, tomorrow is a very special day, because it's Pick of
the Week here on Nickelodeon, and we've got with us Melissa
from Clarissa Explains It All. Now, Melissa is here in
England to film something very, very special. Can you tell
us about it, Claris...Melissa?
Melissa: We did a "Win a Date with Clarissa!" competition, and we got
thousands of postcards, and we picked a winner, and we took
her---[Can anyone tell what Melissa says at this point? It
sounds rather like "Honeymoon Shyster"]---we took her
shopping all day yesterday, and...
Sally-Anne: Did she get lots of nice things?
Melissa: She got lots of nice things. (to Bogey) What was that?
Bogey: I didn't win, did I?
Melissa: Nope!
Sally-Anne: No, you didn't win.
Melissa: Sorry!
Simon: We've got to go and see Jenny Powell, who's at our School of the
Week.
[...]
Sally-Anne: And thank you...we'd like to thank Melissa *very* much for
being our very special guest on the show.
[...]
Simon: But now, competition time!
Sally-Anne: This is a very, very exclusive competition, because Melissa
from Clarissa Explains It All has brought in some very
special prizes for the winner. What are your prizes?
Melissa: Well, the T-shirt, the Clarissa Explains It All T-shirt, that
Vicky is modelling here,...
[Vicky holds up the T-shirt. It is black with the St. Mars title graphic
in the usual pink and blue; the title is surrounded by
various squiggles, which are colours such as blue, green,
and yellow. The back is a reflection about a vertical axis
of the front. There is a spiky orange Nickelodeon logo on
the front only.]
Melissa: ...and a signed postcard of me,...
[Matt holds up the postcard. It is a greyscale picture of Melissa, about
10 cm wide and about 12 cm long, with a roughly 0.5 cm white
border on the top, right, and left edges and a roughly 2 cm
white border at the bottom, which features an orange
Nickelodeon logo and what appears to be Melissa's autograph
(it's hard to tell on a PAL LP VHS tape when Matt's waving
the card around like he is).]
Melissa: ...and...
Simon: Second prize: two signed pictures of you! I'm sorry.
Melissa: Yeah, thanks! Um, and this is my own official lock, that I wear
almost every episode, on every pair of Doc Martens, I have an
official lock on the left shoe.
Sally-Anne: Brilliant. So what's the question?
Melissa: The question is: "What is the nickname of New York City?"
Sally-Anne: So what is the nickname of New York City.... And mark your
questions to "Clarissa Comp," and send them in to Chroma
Zone!
Simon: Time now for a quick goodbye from Jenny and our School of the Week.
[Cut to Jenny, who is standing in front of about 80 kids.]
Jenny: In France, they say "Au revoir." In Italy, they say, "Ciao, baby."
But at Embrook School in Preston, they say...
All: "BYYYYYYEEEE!"
[Cut back to the studio.]
Simon (waving): Bye! Bye! (pointing at Melissa's DMs) Let's see your
boots again.
[Melissa fiddles with the lock on her left boot.]
Simon: Hurray! Cool boots.
Sally-Anne: That's the prize.
Simon: That's the prize, a pair of boots. Yeah, well, we'll be back on
Monday, with lots more action. We've got Ren & Stimpy and
all our mates.
Sally-Anne: And Pick of the Week tomorrow. But now we'd like to say,
"Thank you, Melissa! Thank you, Matt and Vicky!" And bye!
Simon: Yeah, bit of a question, Matt: Er, do you fancy Vicky or what?
Matt: No, I don't.
Simon: Aaaaahhh!
Sally-Anne: But now it's D:Ream and "Take Me Away."
Bogey: Yeah, take me away!
All: Bye!
[Cut to music video: D:Ream/Take Me Away.]
[...]
[Quarter-screen video of Clarissa in black with black-and-white hooped
leggings drawing her name (from the original opening?), surrounded by
a yellow border with spiky orange Nickelodeon logos and maps'n'stuff
travelling around it.]
V/O: Coming up next on Nick: She's a girl who has life all figured out,
and she'll tell you all about it next, when Clarissa Explains
It Al.
Any comments mail me at eric@ezz.u-net.com
Eric Last 20th December 1995